I don’t usually share photos of my full body on here because it’s rarely relevant to my content, but today it feels relevant, so here goes. 

I’m autistic with SEVERE sensory sensitivities. I spent the vast majority of my life highly uncomfortable in my own skin, and directly related, I’ve struggled with disordered eating for a pretty significant chunk of it because I was desperate to feel better in my body. 

I’m 41 now. Most of my 20s were spent in and out of different variations of disordered eating. 

Then I had my 3 kids. I was 30 when I had my twin daughters. And at that point, I made the conscious decision to... well, basically no longer care about my weight/body (or at least, that’s what I tried to tell myself).

So for most of my 30s, I didn’t have an ED, but not a single day went by where I didn’t feel physically uncomfortable in my own skin.

Somewhere in there, I did manage to lose weight because I went on a low carb diet for gut issues... but as soon as I went off that diet, the weight started creeping back on. 

And then there was alcohol. 

At some point in my 30s, I started using alcohol as a crutch. I’ve talked about this a little bit before, but it was for 3 reasons, all relating to my autism (which I didn’t know I had at the time). 

And that started becoming more of an issue in recent years to the point where I was drinking most nights after the kids went to bed. But the volume of alcohol I was consuming increased a lot the last 6 months I was drinking and it caused me to rapidly gain about 10 pounds in that time.

Last June I reached a point where everything just came to a head. 

Me feeling terrible in my own body. My anxiety being constantly through the roof because I was using alcohol as a coping mechanism for my autistic needs rather than actually addressing them. And my executive dysfunction being the worst it had ever been, also largely because of the alcohol.

So one morning in early June of last year I decided it was time to make some changes. At that point, I told myself I would stop drinking just until I lost enough weight to feel comfortable in my own body. But somewhere along the way I realized that I never wanted to drink again. And I haven’t had a drink since (and won’t).

I learned how to change my eating habits to work with my very specific autistic brain wiring and needs, but where my food intake was balanced and gave me all the nutrition my body needed... while also being both satiating (to my body) and satisfying (to my brain). 

I also found ways to work with my very specific autistic brain wiring and needs to find physical activities that I’m able to sustain long term. (Mainly walking. I can literally walk for hours and not feel tired of it.)

(On the other hand Yoga and running are two things I literally can’t do. I’ve been judged for this and people have tried to make me feel bad about it. But it is what it is and I’m no longer going to let anyone push what works for them onto me.)

And now, at 41, I am finally in a body that feels comfortable to me. AND I feel physically and mentally incredible. I also, for the first time in my adult life feel like I can buy cute things and actually feel good in them (hence this picture 😊). Which I never thought I would get to experience.

All this to say... this is my story. 

It’s my very specific autistic experience and how all of these things played out for me. And though I know every autistic person is different, I also realize that a lot of these things are common autistic experiences (sensory issues, Eds, autistic anxiety, substance use as a coping mechanism)... and I feel like sharing my story might help some of you.

So here it is. And I sincerely hope it does. 🥰